The famous five, like.

So I'm a big fan of Enid Blyton. A BIG fan. Read most her stuff when I was young, and I loved it. Famous five, Malory towers and of course the Magic Faraway Tree. But it got me thinking, could you get away with stories like this if they were written today. 

 Of course not. However it did get me thinking. This is how the Famous Five would be written in 2016. 

Jules, Annie-may, Grg, Rich and Timbo the pug. 

Their adventures would be rather different...not smugglers but drug dealers. Not diamond thieves but maybe internet fraudsters. Definitely no plans to steal blue prints written by uncle Quentin but perhaps a plot to quieten brexit campaigners. 

     There would be no picnics with ginger beer, tomatoes and ox tongue but instead  a Greggs pasty and a packet of hula hoops. And probably real beer, if not cider. They wouldn't cycle everywhere because the roads are too dangerous, and they couldn't explore ruined castles because they couldn't afford the fee to get in. There's no WAY they'd row a boat to a deserted island (which has secret tunnels leading conveniently back to their house) because if Virgin didn't own the island already then the National Trust CERTAINLY would. 

     They'd probably get a bus but end up at a local youth hang out or the shops. Failing that their mum might drop them at a beach but all they'd do is sullenly listen to music. 'But wait' I hear you cry. 'They were but children in the books, not teenagers'. You are correct, but have you met the children of today? I'm at risk of sounding like a granny but these days the kids have phones at the age of 7... Or thereabouts. 

Imagine the scene. 

Jules, Grg, Rich, Annie-May and Timbo the pug have been dropped off at the beach by their Mum/Aunty  with strict instructions not to talk to anyone. (Bad Mum/Aunty in my opinion but who's judging?) 

Mum/Aunty- "I'll pick you up at 4, got to pop in to work. I put your Greggs pasties in the bag with a bottle of coke and there's some hula hoops too."

AM-" Thanks mum. Have a great day. And don't worry about us, we'll be on our best behaviour." She kisses her mum. 

Mum- "you're a sweetie. Love you."

The kids watch her drive off, AM waving. 

Jules- "Wow you're a suck up today."

AM- "I know. I didn't want her to know I snuck THIS out of the pantry."

She pulls out a bottle of strongbow from her bag. 

"YES!" The children shout together, and Grg and Rich hi-five. 

They find a less crowded place by the rocks, almost a little cove to themselves and lay down their towels. AM strips down to her bikini, the boys to their shorts and Grg, who's sexuality is questionable, wears a t shirt with board shorts. 

Grg- "No offence guys but I'm listening to some grooves and catching some rays." She puts her headphones in. 

(OK 'grooves' is almost definitely not a word used by youths of today but my own youths are in bed and who else could I ask?)

Rich: "Whatevs, I'm playing Goat simulator."

 (I KNOW this is real, my kids play it.)

Annie-may just rolls her eyes and checks her Facebook page but Jules notices something...something odd. 

    He stands up to have a closer look but soon realises he would have to climb some rocks to get there. 

   "Forget that," Jules mutters quietly to himself, "I've not climbed rocks like that since I was 4. Let them get on with it." And as he glances one more time he sees a small packet of white powder pass hands between two shady looking characters. 

    

I could go on to describe the rest of their incredibly dull day but I can't think of any reason why you would want to read it. 

    Bring back smugglers I say. And not your 'drugs in a teddy' type but proper ones, bringing precious jewels in the dead of night and giving them to a deaf thug who is jolly awful. Then the famous five capture him in a dungeon somewhere until the police can arrive. Oh bother it, I don't have to explain to you, you get it. Right? Please say you get it?